


A letter to what might have been

by Defolie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: I suppose, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Character Death, It's short though, M/M, One Shot, Pining, Unrequited Love, but i hope it's worth it!!!, but i'll put it as, ha ha yeah i cried writing this, implied to be mutual pining, just because i hate myself, like this was just written to be angst, oh big angst, oh right, this is just nishinoya's letter to asahi, unfortunately
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-08 20:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16436150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Defolie/pseuds/Defolie
Summary: After losing Asahi for good, Nishinoya decides to write a letter to try to figure out just what the hell's going on inside his head. There was so much he wanted to say and yet even now, he can't quite figure out how to put it down onto paper.





	A letter to what might have been

Asahi, dear god how I miss you.

I don’t like being alone, every time I go to sleep I find myself reaching out for you, for where you never were nor are but where you should have been. I hate it. I just want to see you smile or laugh or fucking _anything_ again, I’d give up the rest of my life just to hear you apologise over absolutely nothing one last time. I wake up to the same fucking nothingness every morning, to the same gaping hole in my chest because you’re not here and I fucking hate it and I can’t take it, I can’t live in a world where Azumane Asahi isn’t by my side telling me all the things I needed to hear in all of the most him ways possible. It was always the small shit you did that got me, like the way you’d always wait to enter the gym with me if you were the first one there or how you’d always bring me your milk bread at lunch even though it was your favourite just because you knew I liked it just as much or how you refused to take off that stupid warm and soft and fucking beige monstrosity you called a sweater even in the summer because your mum had made it for you in the second year. I don’t even really know how to put it because everything you did was just… perfect. I don’t care if you couldn’t assert yourself worth shit, I don’t care if you walked down the halls like a seven year old lost in a supermarket or if you could never bring yourself to raise your voice in case you scared someone because dammit that was you, all of those stupid little things and every other beautiful thing you did was just you. Perfect you. How could you have been real? You were like a goddamn angel and I… I just let you slip through my fingers. I just let you go without saying goodbye, without saying all the shit I’ve had bottle up since the first day I met you. I’ll never get to hear you say “I love you too, Yuu” because I never told you how I felt and you had the fucking nerve to die before I could. I hate this, I hate every fucking part of this Asahi. I just want to see you again but I can’t and I don’t ever want to be able to be okay with that fact. I’d never forgive myself.

I just want to be able to hold your hand or mess with your hair or feel your skin against mine, I want to see Daichi and Suga tease the hell out of you just to take in how fucking beautiful you look flustered and I want to see you play again, I want to be able to have someone to put my trust in forever both on and off the court. You were _my_ ace, I had your back and you had mine and I could always look to you when I was shit scared in a match but needed to be strong for everyone else. I saw you play every day and I never knew just how much that meant to me. I heard the ball hit the ground with a deafening thump or bang or whatever and I knew it was because my gentle giant was in his element. I saw your back so often but I never resented it, the number three I became accustomed to kept me going and in those moments that I could see your face triumphant and proud after scoring a point I knew just how hard I’d fallen, you fucking glowed every time with that unusually competitive spark of life in your eyes and a stupidly bright smile plastered on your dumb face.

Nobody even talks about you anymore, Asahi.

They never have. I don’t even hear your name in hushed whispers anymore, nobody wants to mention that one dude who got hit by a car trying to save a complete stranger from the middle of the road. You were so selfless and nobody even gives a shit that you’re gone, I fucking hate it. I can’t go a second without thinking about you or something that makes me want to run to you again but it feels like I’m one of the only people who do. Suga and Daichi are trying to keep on without you here but I know they’re struggling, I think they’ll be okay though… I think you’d be happy to hear that at least. They have each other. They’ll always have each other. I look at everyone else when I’m not there and they look so happy but as soon as I enter the gym everything stops. I want things to go back to how they were, with you. They all look so sad, Asahi, when I go through those doors we’ve been through so many times before. I can’t let you go and I think they can see it. I’m a wreck without you, I know I am. I eat once a day, I sleep maybe two hours, my grades are worse than ever before and that’s… got to be an achievement or something. Ryuu tries to keep me happy but it’s not the same as it was. I think he just wants to give up… I’m not getting any better. How could I? It’s been over two months but it still kills me. I don’t want to keep going. I don’t want to keep putting a smile on for everyone else, I can’t. I just want to have you back.

You left practice later than usual that day because you were talking to me. We were talking Asahi, I can remember everything word for word. If only I’d kept you longer, we could have walked together or gone to Ukai’s shop so we could grab something to eat or I could have asked you to help with my homework, anything would have saved you. If you were just a minute later, you’d be with me right now. I hate it. I didn’t speak to Ryuu for a month because he’d dragged me off before I’d gotten to wish you a safe trip home. My last words to you were “Don’t forget your coat tomorrow!” and yours back to me were “I will, Nishinoya-kun.” and had I known… had I known that I’d never see you again…

You never called me Yuu, it was always ‘Nishinoya-kun’. I wanted so badly to hear my name on your lips, I need it more than ever. I loved and I loved and I loved and I lost you Asahi, you never even knew how much you meant to me. Sugawara told me you liked me back but that just makes everything worse because fuck, we could have been something. I could have kissed you goodbye every day and woken up beside you like I desperately wanted to for months of lovesick pinning. It- It makes me sick, actually, knowing what we never were.

Why couldn’t it have been me instead?

Why couldn’t that fucking idiot standing in the middle of the road been on my walk home? Why couldn’t that reckless cunt driving way over the limit have been travelling past the road outside my house instead?! Why did it have to be you, Asahi?! You had so much to look forward to and live for and what do I have? Failing grades and clinical fucking depression. Not very fly high of me now, is it? I miss you every day Asahi, I can’t understand why you had to go. You wouldn’t like me the way I am right now, I know you wouldn’t. You’d want me to be happy and smiling and out being the guardian deity of Karasuno again, I just know it. I want to be able to do that too but not for me or for anyone else though. I’m still here because you would want me to be. You were a fucking coward at times, I’m not gonna deny it but god you’d never let me give up, I saw how broken you were when you found out that I wouldn’t return until you did and fuck that killed me, even if I was mad at you I knew I wanted nothing more than to tell you that I’d be okay and that you’d be okay. You always cared too much, why the fuck couldn’t you have been a heartless bastard or an actual coward. I’d still have you. It should have been me, I shouldn’t be moping around because I should be dead, not you; my perfect Asahi should still be alive right now and the pathetic mess that I find myself being should have been hit instead.

I’ll keep going for you. I refuse to go down now as much as I desperately want to… for your sake.

I miss you Asahi and I never will stop missing you and I hope that wherever you are right now is a happy place. I’ll dream of you every night, I’ll dream of all the conversations we’ve had about nothing in particular and all the looks we’ve shared and all the matches we’ve been in together, I’ll dream of your stupid sweater and your half grown goatee and your gentle brown eyes and I’ll dream of every time I’ll never get to hold your hand and every date we’ll never go on and every kiss we’ve never shared. I just want you to come home to me.

I love ~~d~~ you, Asahi.

Yours forever,  
Yuu.


End file.
